So you’re in a relationship. Things are great! You share
a lot of quality time together. Communication is good.
Consideration is given to the other person when making
plans. Friends and family ask about each other’s partner.
You coordinate schedules and spend a considerable amount of
time over each other’s house. Like I said…things are
great! You’re building a relationship.

Even with all of this relationship building, you’re able to
maintain a separation of space. You have your friends.
They have their friends. You have your place. They have
their place. You’re together, but still independent. Time
continues to pass and then something changes. Your partner
pops the question (often phrased in a manner that only an
idiot would think that it was not a good idea), Why don’t
we move in together? And you are left standing, with only
a few allowable seconds to be stunned, preventing the
words, “Are you crazy?”and “Hell no!” from coming out of
your mouth. At best you concede, “That’s a thought.”

So, how do you say now, without offending the person and
placing undue strain on the relationship?

SITUATION FACTORS
* Your relationship is good. You like spending time with
the person;
* You probably spend most nights together anyway.
* Economically, there’s no question that it makes sense to
share household expenses.
* You’re not comfortable with what living together means to
you in a relationship.

Bottom line…you’re not ready to live together. This
could be for a host of reasons, both healthy and
unhealthy…but that’s not the issue here. This is a
readiness issue.

YOUR MESSAGE:

“I love (like) how we are right now. I’m not ready to move
in together just yet. I don’t want to rush anything that
could potentially hurt our relationship because we moved
too quickly. I care about you too much for that.”

SAMPLE WORDS & PHRASES

*I don’t want to rush a decision that deserves more time
and thought.
*I like how we are right now
*I like missing you.
*I’m not sure if we’re ready yet.
*Instead of deciding this moment, why don’t we test the
idea out over the next six months? Let’s imagine every time
we are around each other that we live together. Then,
let’s talk about what we liked and didn’t like living
together after this period is over. Then we can discuss
whether we’re ready.

WARNINGS!!!

Do not make the suggestion seem like a stupid idea in your
verbal or body language-even if you think so.

*Do not say, yes, if you have doubts.
*Do not say, no, without explanation sensitivity
considerations.
*Do not leave the question unanswered.
*Do not feel pressured into a decision, even if it makes
the most sense logically. You should not move in with your
partner just because it’s the best logical decision. There
has to be an emotional commitment to the idea.

SENSITIVITY FACTORS

* The person may be in a bind financially or in an
undesirable living situation (bad roommate, landlord
issues, bad neighborhood, living with parents, etc.), and
you want to help.
* Person associates living together with further validation
of the relationship and/or your feelings towards them.
* Person may take your desire not to live together
personally, as if it has something to do with them, and not
with your desire to either, ease into this next level of
togetherness slowly or maintain separate spaces.

You may feel that your resistance isn’t warranted; but it’s
real, so you have to acknowledge it.

EXPRESSIVE METHODS:

* Handwritten message.
* In person…close proximity, with eye contact.
* Email-but it has to be sent on the same day as a pending
in person encounter. Also…it can only be used as a
prelude to a conversation. It cannot be the conversation.

SAMPLE DELIVERY METHODS:

* A letter. Sometimes it’s best to go back to the basics.
There’s nothing like receiving a handwritten letter. It
evidences importance, deliberate thought, time, and high
value.
* In person…over dinner. Start with…”I’ve been
thinking…” or “I’ve really given some thought to what you
said about us living together, and…” You have to set it
up as thoughtful.

The most effective delivery message is in person. This
subject matter requires in person consideration and
follow-through.

WHAT TO EXPECT:

* The person feels rejected and distanced to manage
feelings.
* The need for further conversation.
* A relationship shift to adjust to the new set of feelings
from this new conversation.
* New thoughts in consideration of the idea in the future.

If you were able to balance the sensitivity factors with
the message…maybe they simply understand! (Rarely is it
that easy, though.)

THOUGHTS FROM DR. MIKYTA DAUGHERTY, PhD

Here’s the deal. If you tone the intensity of the question
down a bit, you’re basically asking – how do you reject
someone, without hurting their feelings or affecting the
relationship? Well peeps, I hate to break it to you, but
it’s nearly impossible! Allow me to explain.

This situation feels difficult because “we don’t want to
offend” anyone. Right? I mean in general, good people
don’t like to think of themselves as the cause of someone’s
sadness, disappointment, blah blah blah. And you’re a good
person, yes? Plus, you really like your partner and don’t
want them to feel bad. But that’s just the thing! You
can’t totally prevent someone from feeling bad about
something that feels bad. No matter how you say it. And
hearing an unwanted “no” from your partner tends not to
feel good. (Now, you can certainly make it worse by being
cruel, but Lisa’s sensitivity factors gives good ideas
about what to say and what not to say). It’s like, how do
you tell someone they have a zit that needs popping without
embarrassing them? You can be mindful of when you tell
them, who’s around when you tell them and how exactly you
tell them – which may all prevent humiliation. But
ultimately, that person will still feel embarrassed, even
if they are thankful for your honesty.

Lastly, this situation feels difficult because we don’t
like to deal with our loved one’s reaction to hurt
feelings. You might have to give them extra attention,
deflect defensiveness, quell fears about feelings of
inadequacy; BUT try not to get mad at them for expressing
hurt.

Sometimes it takes additional effort, but always patience
and compassion.
—————————————————-
Lisa Yancey is one of two incredibly hardworking women
spearheading Regarding Life. A writer, lawyer, consultant,
and mentor; Lisa conceived of Regarding Life in 2002 with
business partner Stacey Weihe. Lisa does all of the writing
for the company. Visit us on the web at
http://www.regardinglife.com

Similar Posts:

• How To Deal With A Non Committed Relationship
• I Am Complete
• Avoid Divorce – Know the Keys to a Happy Marriage
• Saying I Love You the First Time Around
• Intimate Partner Abuse – Abuse by Projection, by Reality or by Both

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